Unitarian Jihad WARNING: HUMOR AHEAD!
April 8, 2005
The following is the first communique from a group calling itself Unitarian Jihad. It was sent to me at The Chronicle via
an anonymous spam re-mailer. I have no idea whether other news organizations have received this communique,
and, if so, why they have not chosen to print it. Perhaps they fear starting a panic. I feel strongly that the truth, no
matter how alarming, trivial or disgusting, must always be told. I am pleased to report that the words below are at least
Greetings to the Imprisoned Citizens of the United States. We are Unitarian Jihad. There is only God, unless there is
more than one God. The vote of our God subcommittee is 10-8 in favor of one God, with two abstentions. Brother
Flaming Sword of Moderation noted the possibility of there being no God at all, and his objection was noted with love
by the secretary.
Greetings to the Imprisoned Citizens of the United States! Too long has your attention been waylaid by the bright
baubles of extremist thought. Too long have fundamentalist yahoos of all religions (except Buddhism -- 14-5 vote, no
abstentions, fundamentalism subcommittee) made your head hurt. Too long have you been buffeted by angry people
who think that God talks to them. You have a right to your moderation! You have the power to be calm! We will use
the IED of truth to explode the SUV of dogmatic expression!
People of the United States, why is everyone yelling at you??? Whatever happened to ... you know, everything? Why
is the news dominated by nutballs saying that the Ten Commandments have to be tattooed inside the eyelids of every
American, or that Allah has told them to kill Americans in order to rid the world of Satan, or that Yahweh has
instructed them to go live wherever they feel like, or that Shiva thinks bombing mosques is a great idea? Sister
Immaculate Dagger of Peace notes for the record that we mean no disrespect to Jews, Muslims, Christians or Hindus.
Referred back to the committee of the whole for further discussion.
We are Unitarian Jihad. We are everywhere. We have not been born again, nor have we sworn a blood oath. We do
not think that God cares what we read, what we eat or whom we sleep with. Brother Neutron Bomb of Serenity notes
for the record that he does not have a moral code but is nevertheless a good person, and Unexalted Leader Garrote
of Forgiveness stipulates that Brother Neutron Bomb of Serenity is a good person, and this is to be reflected in the
Beware! Unless you people shut up and begin acting like grown-ups with brains enough to understand the difference
between political belief and personal faith, the Unitarian Jihad will begin a series of terrorist-like actions. We will take
over television studios, kidnap so-called commentators and broadcast calm, well-reasoned discussions of the issues
of the day. We will not try for "balance" by hiring fruitcakes; we will try for balance by hiring non-ideologues who have
carefully thought through the issues.
We are Unitarian Jihad. We will appear in public places and require people to shake hands with each other. (Sister
Hand Grenade of Love suggested that we institute a terror regime of mandatory hugging, but her motion was not
formally introduced because of lack of a quorum.) We will require all lobbyists, spokesmen and campaign managers
to dress like trout in public. Televangelists will be forced to take jobs as Xerox repair specialists. Demagogues of all
stripes will be required to read Proust out loud in prisons.
We are Unitarian Jihad, and our motto is: "Sincerity is not enough." We have heard from enough sincere people to
last a lifetime already. Just because you believe it's true doesn't make it true. Just because your motives are pure
doesn't mean you are not doing harm. Get a dog, or comfort someone in a nursing home, or just feed the birds in the
park. Play basketball. Lighten up. The world is not out to get you, except in the sense that the world is out to get
Brother Gatling Gun of Patience notes that he's pretty sure the world is out to get him because everyone laughs
when he says he is a Unitarian. There were murmurs of assent around the room, and someone suggested that we
buy some Congress members and really stick it to the Baptists. But this was deemed against Revolutionary Principles,
and Brother Gatling Gun of Patience was remanded to the Sunday Flowers and Banners committee.
People of the United States! We are Unitarian Jihad! We can strike without warning. Pockets of reasonableness and
harmony will appear as if from nowhere! Nice people will run the government again! There will be coffee and cookies
in the Gandhi Room after the revolution.
Startling new underground group spreads lack of panic! Citizens declare themselves "relatively unafraid" of threats of
People can still go to France, terrorist leader says.
(John Carroll can be reached at: JCarroll@SFChronicle.com
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